I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize