the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
