i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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