I wish my penis had an off switch
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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