Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
