did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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