Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
