I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
