Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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