I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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