I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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