Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
