Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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