I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
