I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
