so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
