Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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