Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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