Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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