I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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