every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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