i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize