smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
