I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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