I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
