im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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