My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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