I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize