how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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