lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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