I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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