I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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