Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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