i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize