Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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