We're facebook friends in real life
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
