I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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