Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
