I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
