I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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