I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
