she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
