She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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