after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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