if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
