omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
