Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
