Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
