I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
