Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
