Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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