I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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