I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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