I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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