Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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