Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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