I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
