Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
