final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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