shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
