Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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