I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
People in love make me want to vomit
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We left the knife in your bed.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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