just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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