Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
