she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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