And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
