youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Your dad touched me again.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
